Trying to find the good.

Lately, I have been trying to find the good in people. I have learned that "thank you" goes a long way in life. My sister gave me a thank you for the birthday present we got her. It wasn't much that we got her, but not only did she thank us for the gift, she thanked us for just being.

I feel as though I am in war with myself. I feel as though the person I was before and after Harrisburg is slightly lost. If you know me at all you know that I have a voice. I speak my mind, I speak when I'm upset. I speak when I need/want to voice my opinion. Since moving home I have lost that voice. And really, not by choice. Or maybe so. I don't know. See, I'm at war with myself. I have to be polite...and grateful. Please do not think that I am not grateful. I am grateful and appreciative beyond words. However, I show my gratitude. I say "thank you" numerous times...daily. I, however, do not feel the gratitude from others. This, I know, may make me sound horrible. A bitch even. But come on here. I cook, I clean, I walk the dog, I make sure that when you get home from work nothing needs to be done. The only thing that needs to be done is make coffee because I have not learned how to use that friggen thing ... I swear this thing is more high-tech than the capsule they used to save the Chilean miners. I make two meals. A lasagna and another pasta dish with meatballs for the one person in the house who does not want lasagna. I am questioned during this time "what are we waiting for?". I set the table but do not put the glasses on the table and I have to hear about it. After the dinner I then do the dishes. Another person wipes down the table and expects a star for doing it. Has to say every night "I wiped off the table." I do not go sit in the living room and run down the list of things I do. I do not say "Hey, I did the dishes." But every night I say "Thank you" for wiping the table. But what kills me is when I've got only one dish left and they go and take a clean dish (that is still in the drying rack) and start making other foods to then dropping it into the dish soap for me to wash. I wash it. I then go and wipe down all the counters. Remove the burner covers to wipe down the whole stove. Then I hear it ... no not a "thank you"...a "what are we having for dinner tomorrow night? and a "make sure you take a piece of lasagna to grandma b tomorrow". I think I have hit my breaking point. I don't need a thank you every night. But a thank you would make me not have to write this blog. A thank you would make me feel good....feel appreciated. I go to bed every night feeling beaten. Not physically like I got in a fight, but just beaten. Almost like my pride hurts or I guess, my feelings.

My life is not what I expected it to be. I guess no one's life turns out the way they had always planned. There's always a wrench thrown into it. When I thought about moving home, I did not think of this. I did not think that I would feel broken. I came home to feel whole again. Now don't get me wrong, there are times where I feel whole, feel wonderful and appreciated. But then I turn down the street, see the lights on and realize that I never thought of coming up with an idea for dinner. OrI didn't wash the four coffee mugs in the sink from the morning. Or I forgot to water the plants. Or I didn't dust the hardwood floor. Or I forgot to buy eggs. Or I forgot to scrub the toilet. (Note: I would not forget to do all these things in one day) Or I could do all of those things and I'd still be reminded of some random thing. Or do everything from laundry to getting the cobwebs out of the corners of the ceiling and still not get a thank you. I don't know, maybe I am just selfish. Again, I'm a war with myself. But in the world that I am living...I guess I just feel like I'm not good enough. And that is the worst of all.

**Note: This is not a pity-party post. I am simply just voicing my feelings and thoughts. Please do not think less of me. :) **

All my love,

Bugbites, Gizmoe, and Summer

This summer has been as wonderful and unpredictable as I was hoping it would be. As this is the last day of August, I thought maybe I should blog about my summer because you may not know this about me but September 1st is the start of my fall .... because I love fall that much. Our first summer back at home started out a little crazy and ended a little crazy. There were tears, laughter, joy, boredom and so much more. First moving home and the birth of my beautiful niece. Living with my in-laws to save money and helping my mother in-law with her recovery of knee surgery to packing up their home and all of us moving into a new house. Spending time with family (and when I say family this also includes my friends...who are family) bbqing, having a bottle or two of wine, shopping for patio furniture, going to a bar on "underwear night", seeing the new Yankee stadium for the first time, spending time at the farm with my grandparents and cousins and spending time with my husband. We have never spent a whole month together in our home town. When he was in the military it would only be on weekends for maybe a week here and there. So it's been beautiful to have time with him here all the time. And to both have the summer off since he didn't start school until last week and I have been looking for a job. My husband is loving school and is really excited. He's already got his first 100 on a project and is so proud and I, of course, am so proud of him. My niece smiles at my when I walk through the door. She laughs at my while I talk and tell a story. This means so much to me because last year when I found out my sister was pregnant, my biggest fear was that this little person would never recognize who I am. Never remember me. My niece, my beautiful niece, so pure and new to this world, this little creation and blessing from above sees me. She knows my voice (at least I like to think she does). She makes me realize that life is so precious and that it's a good thing I'm around because this girl will only know what a true Oreo is if I'm around :) It's just...it's just an amazing feeling knowing that I'm her Aunt...that she's going to have long fingers and toes like me, that she'll recognize me. This past weekend was the perfect end to a perfect summer. A bbq at our new house while watching bike races. It was an amazing thing to watch and we were surrounded by some of the most important people in our lives. These people have become family. Our lives have become fuller and better with these people in them. They have opened their doors for us, they have let us into their lives, they have truly become our family and I will thank the Lord every day that these people have come into our lives...I don't know what our lives would be like if they hadn't. Yesterday was the saddest day of the summer and rightfully so it is time for summer to end. Yesterday we had to put the oldest (15 yrs) family dog, Gizmoe, down for his nap as I would like to call it. He had kidney disease, arthritis, was blind and was just plain old tired. He was a stubborn dog, grumpy most of the time, but oh how that dog loved me and I loved him. He was a pain in the ass but was loyal. When we'd come home to visit Zeus (the younger dog) would run to my husband and Gizmoe would run to me. If I didn't come in the house right away he'd wait at the stairs for me then act like a little pup when I walked in. He'd lay on the couch or bed with me and rest his head on my leg. In the mornings he'd get in our bed and he'd lay behind me, facing my back, with his head on my pillow. My mother in-law, husband and I took him to the vet and I cried the hardest, I sobbed like a baby...which I actually thought I wouldn't do. Pets are pets I have told myself throughout the years. They come and they go. But holy shit, I'm not going to lie...my heart broke a little bit yesterday. We then took him (and two other dogs ashes) to my family farm and buried them. As we drove away my mother in-law said, those three are having a blast right now running through the field. I couldn't help but giggle..knowing it was so true. This morning I woke up as my husband kissed me good-bye as he went to school, without even feeling it I knew the other part of my pillow was cold. I laid in bed realizing that summer is ending. Everyone is back to work, school, etc. and that this type of summer may not happen again. I started to cry a little and I may never know whether it was because of summer ending or the fact that my pillow was cold. But either way I will cherish the memories of this summer, cherish the memories of Gizmoe and hope and pray that all dogs really do go to heaven.

A picture of me, Zeus (with his head on my leg) and Gizmoe.
A picture of some cute guy I know holding on to Zeus and Gizmoe.

House That Built Me

I know they say you can't go home again,
I just had to come back one last time,
Ma'am I know you don't know me from Adam,
But these hand prints on the front steps are mine.

Up those stairs in that little back bedroom,
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar,
I bet you didn't know under that live oak,
My favorite dog is buried in the yard.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it,
This brokenness inside of me might start healing,
Out here it's like I'm someone else,
I thought maybe I could find myself,
If I could just come in I swear I'll leave,
Won't take nothin but a memory,
From the house that built me.

Mama cut out pictures of houses for years,
From Better Homes and Gardens magazine,
Plans were drawn and concrete poured,
Nail by nail and board by board,
Daddy gave life to mamas dream.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it,
This brokenness inside of me might start healing,
Out here it's like I'm someone else,
I thought maybe I could find myself,
If I could just come in I swear I'll leave,
Won't take nothin but a memory,
From the house that built me.

You leave home and you move on and do the best you can,
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am,

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it,
This brokenness inside of me might start healing,
Out here it's like I'm someone else,
I thought maybe I could find myself,
If I could just come in I swear I'll leave,
Won't take nothin but a memory,
From the house that built me.

Today is definietly one of the quick, head-whipping turns on the Rollercoaster called Life...

My mental capacity has been met. I can no longer deal with the drama that some people need in their lives everyday. Why can't just one day be boring. No drama. Nothing. As I told my wonderful husband today, I'm mentally, emotionally and physically unable to deal with bullshit. Usually, I'll deal with it, because I am a friend. But right now...I just can't. This also leads to if you're a true friend, can't you see that I am not able to even begin to digest your mellow dramatic bullshit. I could say to someone "I have a day to live." and their response would be "O.M.G. you'll never believe what crap happened to me lastnight." Now don't get me wrong, I am not looking for pity. I am not looking for attention. I am just purely speaking my mind and how I am feeling. When you've dealt with drama for 365 days a year and none of it includes your own drama, and when something dramatic happens in "real life..real world" stuff, you tend to just want to scream because your shit is just alittle more jarring. Yes, their drama may be HUGE in their mind, but to me, being the old age of 26 (almost..haha) these pieces of drama only remind me of high school. I cannot physically take it anymore. I am not crying every day because my husband doesn't have a job. I am not crying every day because I don't know which state I'm going to be living in in less than two months. Yes, I talk to my family about it. But I don't cry. And if I do, it's from holding my tears in for so long that my tear ducts can no longer hold the tears in. I have a lot on my plate right now. A lot of pressure...right now in my mind the world is on my shoulders and I've got to handle it. But I don't cry about it. I don't bitch about it. I deal with it. We all at some point, even for some people it is right now, are dealing with the same feelings I am having. But we deal with it. Yeah we may lose a couple of hours of sleep each night ... but we do not cry about it every day like we're beating a damn dead horse (sorry PETA if you're reading this). Just like the title of my blog ... life is a rollercoaster ride. You're going to have your ups and your downs. You are supposed to learn from each up and each down. Hence ya know the term "life". You need to learn to deal with what is thrown at you. But I guess what irks me the most is that someone would want to compare their drama to what is going on in my life. The day my husband lost his job...other peoples drama was worse. For example, someone wouldn't text someone back. Really? You want to compare that to my husband losing his job, us no longer having health insurance, etc. How can not getting a text even compare? My sister doesn't call me with something stressful going on and I intern say "well my day was way shittier...my cat knocked over my glass of water all over the floor and then I had to mop it up." No, I listen, I try to help any way that I can and I know that when we both get off the phone we feel a little more better, a little more stronger, a little more sane. I just don't understand. I'm tired. I guess right now my fear is that I'm afraid I'm going to either completely shut down or completely go ape shit. Either way ... that's bad. Right now I need to be the strong one so I cannot lose my shit or shut down. Plus, I've got too much going on to have the time to do either one. I just don't want to go into the dark, black hole where I've been before. Shutting the world out. I can't do that. And I will be damned, and I mean damned if some little twitt is going to send me into the dark, black hole. I guess I just have to look back at the lessons I learned through the ups and downs of life and remember what I learned. There's got to be a situation like this before that I've been in...but now if I could only find the mental strength to rehash that event and try and remember what I've learned. Probably won't happen today, maybe tomorrow. Either way ... I may slap a bitch. And to whoever is reading this, thank you for reading and listening to my venting. I appreciate you and for listening. This blog may for all I know sound very mellow dramatic ... but again it's just my thoughts ... and I am crazy enough to put them out there.

All my love....

Wisdom in my own words ....

When your life feels like it is spinning out of control ... it usually is.

When you feel that shit is about to hit the fan ... duck because it's not going to hit the fan ... it's going to hit you directly in the face.

When you feel that someone may be slightly selfish ... take a good look because it's not just "slightly".

When you feel that the only way to make things work is to put your happiness aside and make everyone else in this whole f*ing world happy ... you are a moron.

When you feel like you're going to cry .. don't hold the tears in ... just let the flood gates open.

When you think you've got it all figured out ... you don't ... because you shouldn't "think" it ... you should "know" it.

When you come to a crossroad in your life ... don't choose between one of the paths ... make your own.

When someone doesn't understand what you are saying or what the point is that you're trying to make ... draw a picture.

When someone is asking for everything along with your right arm ... go ahead and give them your right foot too ... with a good swift kick in the ass. You'll feel better.

Oy.

It's been quite a long time since I've blogged. Life has been crazy and it's about to get even more crazier. A lot of joy, a lot of "not knowing", a lot of change. This next month is going to be crazy. So far we are scheduled to go up to NY four weekends in a row. So excited though for my sister's baby shower! I'm throwing the "friends" one ... it's at the Terra Cotta and it's going to be amazing. So excited. I just hope my sister will be proud and happy with the final outcome! :)

This week is a little nerve wrecking. This is probably my husband's last week of work. The contract his job is under is up on Thursday. And we have no clue what is happening. Most likely come Thursday my husband and his work buddies will walk into work and they'll say "pack up your tools and get out" lol. Hence why I'm leaving work early to meet the crew at the Legion for one last Thirsty Thursday. It's just crazy. We've been down here for what seems like ten years now, and although most of the time I'm not to fond of the place, this is where I found my independence in a way. I found that I can live a couple of hours away from friends and family and not die. I learned who my real friends are and most importantly, I learned how to be married! To me this is our first home together. It's where we got our cat. It's where we had to get to know eachother all over again. I learned so much about friendship while being down here. I learned that no matter what, no matter how hard people try to change me, I'm always going to be an Upstate New Yorker...there just ain't no way have changing that! :) hehe!

So now what? Do we move to Kentucky? Do we move to Georgia? Texas? Seattle, Washington? I can't. I just can't. I may have learned how to live a few hours away from friends and family but any more than 3 hours and I start having a panic attack just thinking about it. And I'm going to be an Aunt...how can I not be there for every huge (or little) milestone? How can I not be able to just drive up there and hold this sweet little angel? Am I supposed to be the "bread winner" for awhile when I'm only making $12.00 an hour? What about health insurance? Are we going to be moving while we're driving every weekend up to NY? When are we going to have the time to pack? Is Spero going to want to keep doing this job or decide to go back to school?

I mean this is crazy. This is worst than when Spero was getting out of the Army ... he had a job within a week. This job. This job that we knew was a year to year deal but holy crap. I was actually hoping that maybe it wouldn't get renewed so we could move on to say oh i don't know "Way Way Way Up-State NY" and now I just don't know and I'm terrified. But I keep a brave face on for Spero because he's never been in this situation. I don't want him to know that I'm terrified because then he'll be terrified and think that I don't have faith in him. But oh I do. I have so much faith in him. I know that we'll be ok. I've told him "ehh we've made it through war we can make it through this..least we'll be together" ... and believe me I mean it..100% mean it...but I'm crapping my pants here. I want to scream, I want to laugh, I want to cry. I'm trying to keep busy by getting everything ready for my sister's baby shower but really there's not that much to do now dammit. lol. I went shopping yesterday to the Hershey Outlets. All by myself. I cried as I left because most likely that was my last time that I could hop in the car and drive 20 minutes to the outlets. I cried as I passed Hershey Park and saw all the rollercoasters and remembering how the first summer down here we were so excited we bought season passes. I'm on the last two pages of a chapter in my life. A chapter where I learned so much about myself, my marriage, my friendships, my family ... a chapter that is one of the most important chapters in my life. And I'm not going to lie ... I'm sad to see it end. I'm sad to have to leave our little home that we made, the awesome pizza joint where we get food every friday, the few people I've met down here, the family of deer that walk through our yard every night. I'm ready to say goodbye, but at the same time, I'm not. I'll admit, I'm scared.

Letters from Home

Today my love and I were trying to go through some of the stuff we have accumulated over the last 2+ years since living here. We have bins upon bins in our computer room that hold stuff that we didn't even remember we had. Thanks to the tv show "Hoarders" on A&E ... I found the need to organize! hehe. As we were going through it of course we were both getting a little frustrated. He was hungry and well I was frustrated because we just don't have any room to even try to organize. And when I get frustrated he tends to get frustrated and it just snowballs from there. So we're pissy with each other and everything else within these four walls of our computer room when my love comes across a box that is duct-taped. He says "Do you know what this is?" and I respond "Nope, never seen that box before." Spero then says "Let me show you." He tears the duct-tape off and opens the box and in this box was a year of our life ... written in letters, cards, pictures.

See this box was from when he was overseas. He saved every letter I wrote him. He saved every card I sent him. He saved every newspaper article, picture, every letter from his parents, every letter from my Grandma. He saved it all. He just kept handing me letter after letter, card after card. I read each and every one of them. There was a card that he said "be careful when you open it" ... It was the wedding anniversary card I sent him ... inside the rose petals from our cake that I had sent in the card were still in there, petal for petal. We both sat there pretty much silent as he gave me the time to read everything. There was one marked November 20, 2006 where I talked about it only being a three-day work week because it was Thanksgiving and oh how I wished he could be there but that I was going to spend the day with his parents. I cried. As I read these cards it took me back. I swear I felt like I was sitting on my bed writing these letters every night right before I went to bed. I swear I could feel my hand move as if I were writing these letters. And oh how I could feel every emotion as I read these letters. There was the first letter I wrote him, where I told him that I would never hold this against him. Where I told him that if I could go with him I would. Where I told him I would wait forever and a day for him and if that day should come sooner than we would like that he is the love of my life and to know that I will love him every day until we meet again. As Spero and I sat on the floor going through this box and as I read the letters..I'd ask him if he wanted to read this one or that one and he finally said "Audrey, I don't need to read them because I've memorized every single one." *sigh* *tear*

It's hard to believe it's only been three years. Every day that time gets further and further away and with all that is going on in the world and our lives, we forget about that year. We forget about not being together on the holidays or on a rainy Sunday. We had always said before he left that we would never take each other for granted for this year will teach us. Unfortunately, we do take each other for granted at times. I forget about the first Friday that he didn't come home for the weekend. I forget coming home to an empty apartment. I forget having a great day or a bad day and not being able to tell my husband about it. I forget that we couldn't just dial each other up at anytime of the day to just say "hey, i love you". I will admit though, to this day, even if I'm extremely exhausted and I go to bed earlier than him (which is usual) ... 9 out of 10 nights I can't fall asleep until he gets into bed. The minute he lays down I pass out like a baby. I have blocked a lot of that time out in my mind. I didn't realize how much until today. Those letters are like a gift, a gift to remind me of what Spero and I went through and how we wouldn't be here today if we hadn't grown as one through that year.

As Spero put everything neatly back in the box, duct-taped it back up and put it in one of the bins ... I looked at him and said "I wouldn't change a thing." and he said "Neither would I."